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Contracted herpes simplex type 2. What treatment should be done?

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Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar

Psychiatrist

Practicing since :2003

Answered : 2190 Questions

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Posted on Thu, 13 Dec 2012 in Mental Health
Question: Hi, I'm married & I discovered that my husband is XXXXXXX I don't want to leave him & I want him to become straight. How can I do that?
I discovered during our honeymoon that my husband stares at men plus it was the 1st time for both of us to have sex so the frequency was not as normal, usually he use to touch me once every other day & by the end of the honeymoon we didn't have sex for 2 days. I'm certain he is XXXXXXX top. I want to help him. I love him & I don't want to leave him specially after the honeymoon I did analysis & I discovered that I contracted Herpes simplex 2 from him so now the opportunity for me to find another husband is less specially we are arabs & in Arab culture people will fear to be at risk. He denied & doesn't want to admit it; I'm certain that is because we are muslims & it is a sin in our religion & not acceptable in our community although when we spoke about the subject in general I noticed that he believes it is not a sin. So he doesn't have the gelt feeling. But what surprises me is that he doesn't feel the gelt that he decived me by not telling me before marriage that he has the virus & that I'll be at risk if we have sex without condoms also being XXXXXXX & marry a straight woman doesn't make him feel the gelt. He broke my hurt but I've to help him change because I love him & because now my opportunity to find another partner is very low. I'm 32 years old & my dream was to fall in love & be a mom but now my dreams because of him are reuined. I need to help me how to make him staright. How to let him love me & also feel the gelt.
doctor
Answered by Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar 2 hours later
Hello and welcome to Healthcare Magic. Thanks for your query.

I understand that you must be quite dejected and stressed out due to your husband's behaviour and attitude. Now, being "gay" or "homosexual" refers to a condition where a man has sexual attraction and behaviour PRIMARILY or EXCLUSIVELY towards members of the same sex. In your case, you mention that your husband has been able to have sex with you and that you are suspecting him to be XXXXXXX based on the fact that he has been "staring at men". In order to tackle this issue and plan for further therapy, we first need to have a proper understanding of your husband's sexual orientation or behaviour. So, I would like to have a few more clarifications regarding this:

How long have you been married?

Does your husbanf feel sexually attracted to you? How is he in bed with you?

When did you first start suspecting that he could be gay?

Other than staring at men, does he have any other sexual behaviour which could indicate his homosexuality?

Has he ever told you openly that he feels attracted to men or that he has had sex with men before?

What does he have to say about marrying you?

Is he interested in having a normal family life and having children?

Please get back to me with these details, so that I can guide you in a better way.

Regards,

Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar
Consultant Psychiatrist & Sexologist
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
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Follow up: Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar 1 hour later
How long have you been married?
5 months, but we spent together only 12 days (the honeymoon) then he traveled as he lives abroad & I'm working on my visa to go & live with him.

Does your husbanf feel sexually attracted to you?
I'm not sure, he once braised my body but rarely give comments that show he is attracted.
How is he in bed with you?
He is very good (this is another issue that I love having sex with him & I don't want to leave him) but I noticed that he usually prefer having sex in the dark (pretending it is preferable in islam although I've asked Imam & he said no you can do it in light if you want. Also noticed that he didn't look to my body.

When did you first start suspecting that he could be gay?
Our relation was mostly thorugh the internet & Skype but I noticed once we were together in the honeymoon. he stares at men & he likes to show his body on the beach. He wears tight speedos to show how big his particular XXXXXXX . Also I found an account for him on XXXXXXX dating website with a photo of him. Plus I was able to contact one of his friends on facebook & he said that my husand was sex maniac & he is sooooo XXXXXXX But his friend also mentioned that he is in love with a woman back home (which is me)
Other than staring at men, does he have any other sexual behaviour which could indicate his homosexuality?
As I mentioned above, he doesn't look to my body in the light, & also the other evidences I mentioned in the above question.

Has he ever told you openly that he feels attracted to men or that he has had sex with men before?
No he didn't & he won't & impossible to tell me. We are arabs & muslims & I know his personality he has this ego & he is always keen to show his family that he is the perfect man (he prayes, fast & very religious) he always want to be the role model for his family. If they knew all this will be reuined.

What does he have to say about marrying you?Is he interested in having a normal family life and having children?
He always says that he loves me & he wants kids. He usually speak about his plans to raise our kids. He sent me before an email with a photo of us in the honeymoon with the honeymoon cake it is a romantic photo & he said it is his favorite photo. Also before he sent me a photo of both of us shows how we are going to look like in our 50s(through an application that edite photos for fun)
doctor
Answered by Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar 18 hours later
Hello again and thanks for your clarifications.

From your description, it appears that your husband's sexual orientation may be "predominantly heterosexual with homosexual inclinations". Often, a person's sexual orientation is not clearly distinct as purely XXXXXXX or straight. There can be a lot of grey areas inbetween and in such cases, they are classified based on certain clinical scales, like the Kinsey Heterosexual-Homosexual scale.

In your husband's case, there is enough evidence to state that he has a predominantly heterosexual orientation. This is apparent by:
- his ability to engage in a marital relationship
- his ability to perform well in a sexual relationship
- his expressions that he loves you and wants to have a family life and children with you

But, like you have mentioned, he may also be having some homosexual "inclinations". This may be due to his past sexual inclinations or fantasies or XXXXXXX sexual encounters before marriage. Now, the good news is that such kind of people who are able to maintain a heterosexual relationship, but have only homosexual inclinations are relatively easier to treat. But the most important afctor in successful treatment is the patient's motivation and effort to change himself.

Now, you have mentioned that your husband doesn't accept the fact that he has homosexual inclinations and that he doesn't seem to have any guilt about it. In such cases, professional help is required to talk tactfully to him and help him come out with his hidden sexual inclinations / fantasies. Unless he first accepts this fact, further therapy will be impossible. So, I would suggest that you have to somehow get him to see a psychiatrist. You can do this by directly confronting him about this issue or by indirectly telling him that you have some problems regarding your marital / sexual life and that both of you need to go for counselling. Once you convince him to do this, then the psychiatrist will be able to handle this issue further in a professional way. Like you said, he may be hesitant to accept his sexuality because of your religious and cultural prohibitions. But if you are able to gain his confidence and let him know that you are there to help him, he may be willing to seek help.

Treatment will be mostly with counselling and psychological therapies. There are counselling techniques to enhance a person's motivation for taking treatment, as well as there are certain specific psychological therapies like aversion therapy, sexual re-orientation therapy, hypnotherapy, etc. which can be effective in dealing with his homosexual inclinations.

So, I would suggest that you discuss this problem in an open but gentle way with your husband and take him to a psychiatrist. With appropriate therapy and persistent efforts, I'm sure that this problem can be overcome.

Wish you all the best.

- Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar
Consultant Psychiatrist & Sexologist
Above answer was peer-reviewed by : Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
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