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Chronic depression due to family matters. Need Solution for this problem applying REBT.

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Practicing since : 2000
Answered : 11 Questions
Dear sir,
i am in contact with Dr Abhijeet Desmukh through telephonic conversation through health magic care .I have learnt REBT.Now frm few days i am suffering from problem.My mother expired in 2008 & we are two brother & both are married .Due to death of my mother my father condition detoriated drastically & it was suggested that my elder brother wife will live with my father to take care of my father & she lived thereabout 1.2 yrs & during this period she was very unhappy & my brother is working in kolkatta & father is living in bokaro steel city.Un willingly my bhabhi ived with father as she was alone in home after my father going to after my marriage it has been decided to keep my wife with my father & now she is living with father & i am living in barauni,bihar & feeling alonn my sadness has been increased but no remedy is there. i have to see my father as well as wife.please apply REBT TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM.
Posted Fri, 27 Apr 2012 in Mental Health
Answered by Dr. Abhijeet Deshmukh 25 hours later

Thank you for describing the problem in detail. It appears that your disturbance is coming mostly from thinking about the situation regarding your wife having to stay away from you; with your father to take his care. As we have discussed about the principles of REBT, I will try to help you explore and modify any irrational beliefs underlying the disturbances.

First of all, it is important to understand that the remedy you are looking for should be searched internally. In stead of waiting for external circumstances to change. In other words, while you can expect/hope that your wife comes back to stay with you, your peace of mind should not depend upon this event. That is, you should see if you are expecting "A" to change.

That leaves us with exploring the thoughts about the situation. You need to explore the chain of thoughts related to - the situation where your wife cannot stay with you - or - you cannot do anything about it. From my guessing, you will arrive at a core belief which might be something like this - "I must be able to control events in my life". The next step is to see if this core belief is helping you. As long as this demand from self is strong, the belief will be irrational. This can be modified.

While REBT teaches a person how to manage disturbances, it also promotes proactivity. So, it also means that you can take proactive steps to get your wife back with you. And if this is possible, you should give it a try. n this process, you might have to deal with your XXXXXXX thoughts about how other members of the family will think about you.

Here are a few pointers for you to work on -

1) Identify the main triggers for your current disturbance.
2) Identify the thoughts related to those triggers.
3) Modify the irrational belief.
4) Take proactive steps to change the situation, but do not let your peace of mind depend on that change.

I hope this helps a bit. If you need to discuss more, please let us know.

Take care.
Dr Abhijeet Deshmukh
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
Follow-up: Chronic depression due to family matters. Need Solution for this problem applying REBT. 17 hours later
Dear sir,
First of all i want to know that REBT through Health care,telephonic conversation is possible or not,as i have availed this facility previously.
Now coming to my problem & to work out on certain points described by you:
1) I am feeling that why these problem occurred to me,see many young married friend living in my colony & they are happily living good life with wife & children & there parents are supporting to them for any problem.In my office pepole used to ask me when you are bringing back your wife & even though after marriage you are leading bachelor life.How long you will continue.Some time i used to console myself there will be time when my father will retire & he is going to retire in December 2014 & after that these problem will disappear & my wife will not completely live with my father there is arround 3 yrs & some time my Bhabhi will also live with him & during some time he will live alone & in this way we will cut 3yrs.But i am living alone & it will increase depression repeatitly sounds in my brain & when i go to Mess for having lunch & dinner this again pains me.Although my wife never complained me about living with my father but i think that she is not happy & ultimately i again think that God is biassed with me.Some timw when i go to my home town pepole used to say that please take care of your father,he is very sad & again i start to think that what i should do.I married myself where ever he wanted & i am always faithful to him ,even though condition is not good.My father also understand that he is creating problem for his sons.Please apply REBT to change my core thought & if possible please arrange telephonic conversation.
good bye
Answered by Dr. Abhijeet Deshmukh 16 hours later

I can understand that this is not a simple situation to handle. And I suppose you can call the XXXXXXX team and ask for phone call session.

The most important thing in this situation to remember is that, even though today it looks a very difficult situation, it is not necessary that tomorrow it will continue. Also, I agree that it is not healthy for a married couple to stay away from each other for a long time. And that's why you should take steps to get together, as it will be good for the both of you. You will have to ignore, or deal with what people say or what your father thinks. One cannot depend entirely on REBT (Rational emotive behavior therapy) to change the situation, or to feel happy and less disturbed. Proactive steps have to be taken to work towards removing the triggers for disturbing thoughts. While the events are not totally under our control, we can certainly modify them. And if there is a better solution than your wife having to stay there, then that solution must be found out.

To apply REBT, the best option right now is a phone call conversation. You can please call for arranging a phone call to XXXXXXX or send a mail to XXXXXXX at YYYY@YYYY . We will be able to talk in detail over phone.

Take care.

Dr Abhijeet Deshmukh
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
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