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Child is stubborn, ill tempered and aloof without friends. How to control temper tantrums? - Online Doctor Chats

Date : 19-Mar-2013
User rating for this question
Very Good Posted in: Parenting
Answered by

General & Family Physician
Practicing since : 2003
Answered : 1544 Questions
User:My daughter has become too much stubborn , her temperament is too high ...she don't mix with other kids and ultimately to control her I need to raise my voice and immediately she will do same but i am not able to make her understand that whatever she is doing in not right .she does mistake says sorry and will do again .... Before 1 year she use to have her lunch properly she was a very happy child use to talk with kids but from last 6-7 months she don't want to listen. If she will start crying for some thing she will keep doing that for long time . Though still i will not provide her that but I am not able to tolerate her this behavior for long time and finally I had to shout on her . But I feel this is not helping me and day by day her behavior is getting horrible . Some time I feel she is missing her father as he is traveling abroad ..but then I am not able to understand
User:hello Dr
Doctor:Please give me a few minutes to go through your question
User:oh sure
Doctor:Can you please tell me your daughter's age?
User:4 years
Doctor:okay, I have read your question, I can understand your concern and your frustration in dealing with the situation
Doctor:I will try to discuss this in detail, so I would like you to be patient and answer a few questions so that I can understand the problem better.
User:meanwhile the way she reacts parents keep saying that this should not impact her brain which again bothers me
Doctor:How often does your daughter throw these temper tantrums?
User:almost every time u say "NO" to her
Doctor:No matter how lovingly you say no, she does not listen to you is it?
User:yes ...
Doctor:Does she go to the nursery?
Doctor:Since how long has it been since he started going to the nursery?
User:from june-2011
Doctor:Have you tried talking to her care takers/teachers at the nursery?
Doctor:That means, she has behaving this way around the same time she started attending nursery right?
User:not exactly but from last 6-7 months ....
User:she stays at home with my in laws
Doctor:I mean, she has started behaving this way around the same time she started going to the nursery,or may be one or two months later
User:when i go to work
User:and even they have same concerns
Doctor:can you tell me what type of concerns your in-laws are having?
User:same , she doesnot listen to them , isted she will reply back ...and start shouting the way i do with her
User:and the moment u say NO ...
Doctor:have you tried talking to the teachers at her nursery?
User:she will raise her voice and will start crying
Doctor:how does she behave there?
User:no ..
User:last time I had discussion with then arround in sept -2011
Doctor:If there was a sudden and drastic change in her attitude, It is very worrying indeed
User:and they were very happy with her performance
Doctor:What type of activities is she supposed to perform at the nursery?
Doctor:only learning to read and write?
Doctor:or does it also involve some other activities also?
User:Its Montessori they do reading writing ...and other play
User:they dont get homework ...but when ever she have pen paper ....she will start writing ABCD.....
User:or Numeric or she will start coloring
Doctor:that seems a little bit odd to me
Doctor:that could be pointing at a bit too much of concern to learn
User:sorry I did'nt understand
Doctor:Children of this age do not do that usually.
Doctor:Okay, let me explain,
Doctor:If she starts writing the Alphabet or starts to do the same activities that she does at her nursery, it means that she wants to do those things better
Doctor:We do not see such focus in children of her age,
Doctor:children of her age do not concentrate on any one particular thing for more than a few minutes at the most
Doctor:they are always playful
User:yaa even she doesnot
User:so we have a board and she will start teaching everybody ....when she come backs from school
User:and will start showing some or other alphabets ....which she would have learned
Doctor:can you please describe a typical day
Doctor:of her
User:and then one by one all alphabets
Doctor:what does she do before she leaves for the nursery and what does she do after coming back till she goes to bed?
Doctor:on a regular basis that is//
User:she gets up at 6.30 ...and will get ready for school ,she will have lil breakfast and then will go to school by arround 7.30 .She comes back by 12.00 ....and will play for some time ....then Drama start for lunch . After that she will play at home till 4.00 ...or will sleep some time ...and then will go to park at arround 4.00-4.30
User:she will either go for cycling or play area ...will do swing (mostly)
User:come back ....will have dinner ,....and will go for walk with me .....will come back ....have milk and will go to sleep
Doctor:on an average how much time does she spend on redoing the things that were taught to her in the nursery per day?
User:almost 5-10 mins
Doctor:what does she feel about her friends at the nursery?
User:thats it ....mostly she will be playing with water ...or color
Doctor:how does she talk about them?
User:seems like they have 2-3 friends ...and she keeps telling abt one of her friend ...regularly ...that she played with her
Doctor:Do you stay in Bangalore?
Doctor:It is quite a difficult situation you are facing, it is not very easy to understand children
User:I fail to do soo
Doctor:I appreciate you for trying to get to the root of the problem by choosing to consult a doctor
Doctor:I empathize with you, I can understand how you must be feeling when your loved daughter changes her behavior
Doctor:based on the information given by you, I would like to ask you to do certain things
Doctor:1. Talk to your baby lovingly and ask her if anybody in the nursery bullies her or does something that she does not like
Doctor:I wanted to ask you one more thing, how does she feel about going to the nursery, generally?
User:she is happy to go to school ....she doesn't want to miss her bus coz of that
Doctor:2. Ask her if she misses her dad
Doctor:3. Ask her to tell you why she gets angry, sometimes you get surprising answers.
Doctor:4. Try to spend as much time with her as possible
Doctor:5. Be patient, children are usually like this at this age, eventually they grow out of the habit.
Doctor:6. Try to engage her in non school related activities
Doctor:You need a lot of patience with growing children, that is why mothers are compared to the Mother Earth, who bears the weight of every living thing on this planet, but she never complains and never gets angry.
Doctor:You need to fulfill her reasonable requests
Doctor:You should not refuse everything nor should you give her evrything
Doctor:and in this age their young brain learns everything they see, so you will have a lot of influence on her behavior.
Doctor:If you get angry, she will start showing your behavioral patterns over time
Doctor:This is a phase of growing up, even a small matter catches their attention.
Doctor:You should reward when she listens to you, and should not reward when she refuses to listen to you completely.
Doctor:this reward mechanism is a very strong mechanism in our brains and can be tuned with tremendous patience.
Doctor:Are you there?
Doctor:Are you there?
Doctor:Are you there?
Doctor:Since you are not responding for a long time, I will have to close the chat.
Doctor:Thank you for consulting me. Please consult a child psychiatrist once to get things cleared completely.
Doctor:Bye for now.
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