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What Is Couple Therapy?
Question: My long term West Indian girlfriend (gf) moved in with me 8 months ago and 80% of the time it is beyond wonderful in ALL respects. However every one to two months we have serious episodes lasting 2 - 4 days that are triggered by (to me) seemingly small trivial events such as a) my telling a neighbor to "say hello to your wife" when passing him on the street (gf: 'you are totally disrespecting me') b) removing a sofa pillow from gf's dog that I feel may be about to chew on the pillow (gf: 'how can you do that to my little dog for a cheap pillow?).
These triggers lead to 'nuclear war' with 2 - 3 days of her threats of immediate living, (unfounded) accusations of me being unfaithful etc. It stops only when after being patient for a couple of days I 'get tough' and tell he that the non-sense must stop or we should indeed split.
Although I am a very resilient guy these episodes are gradually getting to me. Yes after the episodes she is very apologetic but every additional episodes leaves me with more scar tissue and being less and less trusting in our long term future together. This is despite I (72) very much love her (61) and vice versa. We have no financial, health or family problems of any kind. Both of us lost our spouses a few years ago after long marriages, mine very happy, hers less so. Neither of us are naive about relationships.
Interestingly she tells me after the episodes that she is happy I always in the end respond forcefully.
What are the options for trying to solve this situation that if not addressed for sure will end badly? Or is this a mission impossible?
Brief Answer:
Nothing new in a relationship
Detailed Answer:
Hello,
Thanks for choosing health care magic for posting your query.
I have gone through your question in detail and I can understand what you are going through.
It seems the previous relationship you had was a very "high-way" ride. But beleive me every person who gets into a relationship will have these bumpy rides. None of the relationships is picture perfect and if two people are staying together , differences are bound to be there. The difference lies in respecting the differences. Its possible that your personalities do not match or the tempers of both of you are very high. But ones you have decided to stay together, you need to respect each other and the differences as well.
This can be achieved with couple therapy. Its a cognitive behavioral therapy approach where in the couples are made to sit together and discussed about the good and the bad things they find about their partner. They are also made to discuss about what exactly goes through their mind at the beginning of their fight. The insight is developed and then home-works are given. It works good. Psychologists are the people who take care of such therapies.
Hope I am able to answer your concerns.
If you have any further query, I would be glad to help you.
If not, you may close the discussion and if possible you may rate the answer for me, so that I get a good feedback.
In future if you wish to contact me directly, you can use the below mentioned link:
bit.ly/dr-srikanth-reddy
Wish you good health,
Kind regards
Dr. Srikanth Reddy M.D.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
I respect your answer as an Internist to my questions, although -- pardon me --- there was not much new in your answer. When I signed in it was specifically for a Psychiatrist and it was indicated that answers would be peer-reviewed.
If possible it would nice with such a peer-review by a psychologist/psychiatrist. Perhaps that would provided an additional perspective. Thanks.
Brief Answer:
Psychiatrist answering your query
Detailed Answer:
Hello
I am sorry if the answer was not the one which you had expected.
I would like to clarify that I am not an internist. I am a psychiatrist who has done his MD in Psychiatry with specialization in sex therapy and counselling.
You can have a look at my profile available at the link http://doctor.healthcaremagic.com/doctors/dr-srikanth-reddy/64634
Basically if you look at the problems that you have stated they appear to be one of those very common ones occurring among the couples. However each couple have their own dynamics and that makes your problems a unique one. What you have mentioned is a one side story and that can always be biased. Its always good to hear the story from both the sides in such cases. Probably your partner will have a complete new perspective to present. Basically the point I am trying to express is that such complicated issues will need proper "Couple therapy" which has to be done face to face making both of you sit together.
Some options which I frequently advice my clients are:
1) Try not to speak or retaliate when the tempers are high. Just try moving away from the situation and start a talk when the matter settles down.
2) Communication has to be preserved at any cost. Such problems can be solved with only clear communication.
3) Try making a note of it stating the things you like about her and those which you dislike about her and give it to her. Ask her to get the same done for you too.
4) Take out time for yourself and give yourself some space.
5) Try doing things together like cooking or may be gardening.
You may follow all these steps and see if things improve. If the things still stay the same then only the couples therapy can help you.
Hope I am able to help you with your concerns this time.
Regards
Dr. Srikanth Reddy MD (Psychiatry)
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
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