Hi, I am somewhat happy to find this site where i can write my feeling. I don’t know how to start. So I ll just write from my childhood till my married life now. I am 28 years old now. So, when I was a child. My mom always complained that I didn t have good grade and was a bad girl at school. She will yell at me whenever she has to meet the teacher at parents meeting day. Also, I was bullied at school, but when i told her she simply say it s because I was a bad girl that I will get bullied. I was bullied because I was too quiet and shy at school. Those I thought was my friend bullied me. During my high school, I went to a bad school, which luckily closed down, so I was transferred to a better high school. To tell you how bad it was, my somewhat friend stole my gel pens that I was collecting when I was little. They stole it in front of me and didn t want to give back to me. During art class, a student asked the teacher how to draw a dragon. At that time, I happen to wear a dragon t-shirt. The teacher told the student to look at my shirt. I felt intimidated since the student, a guy, was looking non-stop at my breast to draw a dragon. I told my mom later, she replied he was only looking at the dragon. Don’t over think . At Cegep, I helped my mom at her restaurant part-time. However, at University, i wanted to stop since it was too hard for my psychology program. I was almost failed the school. At the end of my graduation, i could never reach neither master nor doctorate degree, but manage to graduate from my bachelor degree with a average grade but not enough to go higher into master. To graduate, I had to study part-time, and continued on during summer vacation. I took me more years to graduate. If I didn’t help he at the restaurant, she would kick me out of the house. My parents, mom never really wanted to celebrate my graduation from elementary,high school,cegep nor my university. However, they still came to high school graduation and university. During high school, i told them i would really want them to go. During university, my husband (bf back then) told them that I really want their presence and he wanted to propose to me on that day. My mom also ruined my proposal day, she told me days before that he was gonna propose to me and to behave properly, My mom really like my boyfriend back then. Later on, i changed to study as paralegal, i managed to have good grade, always in between 80% to 100%. But whenever, i told her she never congratulated me. When it was not a 100%, she felt it was not a good grade. Therefore, there is no need for compliment. During my adulthood, when I found my husband, back then fiancee. She has to do a whole scene, like in movie, to stop me from being with him because he wasn t her ideal guy. She started to dislike him because he tried to help me. He told my mom that i felt neglected by her. If she could show more affection toward me. My mom took it as a offence and start to dislike him. During the planification of my wedding, I was always sad or crying. She never helped me during the planning but only complained. She didn t accept him nor my wedding but wants to be honoured as my mother during the ceremony. I wanted her during my planification, but she refused our wedding. How could i ask her opinion on something she refused.? After 3 years, i still cry for my ruined wedding. I would be envious whenever i see a mother helping her daughter preparing for her wedding. I feel guilty for this, being happy but yet jealous. I only had help from him and my friends during my wedding. Now being married and finding my job as paralegal, I finally start to find my own sense of identity. But yet she always has to complain about how i dress too office . I work at a law firm!! Whenever i buy a new clothe, i am afraid to show her. When I got a very good raise by my boss, i didn t want to tell her. Feeing it would not be enough, i didn t not ear the 25$/hour as a new paralegal. She always complained that i wasn t like before, i changed since I have a job. I find my self-identity, i started to develop my own view of things and i am more open. I only found this while i am away from her. I start to notice that i could get mad at people at times, i could tell them that i don t share their view. My friend told me that i change, i wasn t as quiet and shy as before. I noticed at work that when a coworker or even my manager made an error, i could simply nicely told them they made a error or left out some information. They would simply correct the mistake. At time, I also get praised when did something good. My mom simply has to tell me that it a way to keep you working hard. I agree some praise may be real, some praise may simply to keep up appreciated and keep working. But that simple praise made me feel worthy and it worked. I waited soo long from her that i eventually gave up. She told me that she like the previous me, that i changed. Before, i had to listen to her because I was dependant on her financially. Now, I have a job and i can live on my own. I don t have to act according to her fearing i might be left out on the street. She always complain how I look fat, but I m wearing small. I do gym everyday and like my body. I wish she could stop. Now I am so tired, that I don’t really want to meets her. I only go because i want to meet my sister and she is the only one of the family who understands and accepts me.. I only use my sister as I way to say I go visit her.Each time i see her, i always end up reminding me of unhappy things. However, I noticed that since I was deprived of motherly love as a childhood, now I have become very dependent and clingy on my husband. I placed on the affection I lacked on him. I always ask for his attention ,like a attention freak. I felt he was the only one who love me. I am afraid i will push him away. He still loves me now, but I feel i am over controlling him, always needing for this care and attention. Whenever we argue over something, I start to think no one loves me.. i am alone. Could you please help me, I dont want to live in the past.l I dont want to be burdened by my mom and be her puppet. Nor do I want to burden my husband that love me solo much. i want to be more independant. I want to live my own life the way and be myself. I also wanted to tell you that i started to gather my courage to tell her how i fee about her, but yet she never took it too seriously. Saying it was for my own good. Before i would never tell her, fearing it might cause a chaos. I am very thankful of you to take the time to read my long story. I am very at lost what to do.