dear doctor.am i actually suffering from depressions?i never knew that i actually have all the symptoms of depression until i came across to one article in my reading test.i always knew before that i am suffering from some kind of problems that makes me ill in the inside.since i was a child, i am always so lack in self-confidence.it became worst since i entered secondary school.since then,i began to have great difficulties in sleeping.is it because of my racing thoughts?because i think too much even for the smallest thing.there are never a time when i was not thinking.that is also how i developed my passion of writing.i think too fast i cannot even write all the things that i was thinking or the ideas that i have just thought of.besides that, i also suffered from some kind of unexplainable yet very disturbing irritability.i wondered why nobody else (gals at my age in my school) suffered from these irritability that i was suffering from.these irritability includes difficulties on bed.i always cried in silent and in devastation when there was hardly a bed that i can sleep comfortably on.i can t get a good night sleep even on a new bed.i was always so jealous of other people who could just sleep without suffering from irritabilities on bed.i also suffered from easily-changing mood.sometimes i thought i was suffering from split personalities because my mood could change easily like the wind does and i have these two different characters in me that keeps fighting in the inside -sort of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (i don t know if you understand what i mean).but now,my cases seems to became worst or what-because basically when i avoided thinking too much,i turned out to be someone who never care less to even think about something.i was always a very careful and aware person before but now i do not want to think about it.if i feel threatened i would just bashed or barked at that danger .i also have turned from Dr. J to Mr. H bit by bit from day to day.but weirdly,i also became easily distracted and always forgot things.these forgetful habits i got since i was in primary school.but back then i only forgot little things like where i put my pencil when it actually was on my head (behind my ear) or things like searching for things when it was actually right in front of me.now my memory has became worst.i could not remember stuff i had just talk to my friend last night (that was years ago) and i could not remember them until now.i also became easily distracted.often when i was about to say something to my friend, i called out her name but then when i look at her face i did not remember what i was about to say. i had to wait for a while or for days or for longer period than that to recall them back.i also have the habits of forgetting people s names,my close friends names whom i see at school everyday.i wanted to call them out but then i had to ask their names first before i called out their names.but i quickly recalls them back when they told me their names.i am also having troubles of memorizing things. i had to force myself to memorize things.it is so contra to the person i was many years before-i can memorize stuff so well and so quick.i also adapt things so fast and efficiently that i excelled in my studies, academics, arts and everything.teachers and other parents always praised and envied me for that.they said that i was a remarkably bright and smart girl (i never realized them until i started to suffer from all of these problems).besides that, although i never wanted to admit it,i was and am a very sad person.i wanted to be the cheerful and sassy girl like i used to show in front of everyone else,but i know that deep inside me i am pathetically sad.i can easily cried because of very little things,but i never ever cried for big stuff.i just pretended to be sad for that big stuff.i never told anyone about this because i am paranoid (am i?).i don t want people to know my weaknesses because i am always feeling threatened.and i also don t want people to think of me as a pathetic whiner.i also became more daring and bold from each day.it is because i do not care for anything.i talk and do what i wanted to do even if it hurts others.but i only speak the truth,i never want to keep silent like i used to since i was a kid,because i am afraid i will became so mentally ill that i go crazy.and hell yeah, my difficulty in sleeping becomes oversleeping.is that good?because i feel worst than cannot sleep,i feel unbearable tiredness and i seemed to move and think too slow.thinking simple questions seems so hard that i have to repeat the question so many times (and slowly) before i understand the question.my friends called me stucked-disc for loading or pick up stuff so slow.i feel so lethargic when i did barely nothing.perhaps it was the lack of exercise.but the most important thing is,which was so shocking to me, when i suddenly lost interest and pleasure in activities (arts,writing,reading) that were once enjoyed.i was always so devoted and so good in them but now,i was surprised how i began to hate those stuff when i tried to do them again.i can t even draw stuff that i can draw well when i was a kid.i started to hate reading thick novels (perhaps it was because of my bad eyesight which i suffered from since 2-4 years ago).i also refused to read short articles if they are not catchy ,except in exams.i also lose the passion in doing arts and writings,and these are devastating.i also keeps feeling down every time,especially when i am in the public.i feel so worthless and so ugly.i feel and think that i never deserved to feel or become beautiful.that is why i never care about my appearances.i only wear stuff which made me feel safe and comfortable.i had once burst into tears when my friend said i was pretty in the hair style that they done by force on me. they made me feel so ugly and did not deserved to be pretty,because to me,they are actually mocking me and not the other way round. and doctor,have i told you that i have very low self confidence?actually,i am afraid of people.i hated it when people look at me when i was walking.i never like the crowd because i feared for the attention. since i was a kid,i was always known as very attractive.in secondary school,people always told me how beautiful i was although i never asked,because i never want people to notice me.i hated praises.it makes me feel uncontrollably embarrassed that i started to think that they actually meant the otherwise.i can feel all of the unspoken out emotions i buried deep inside has became a great lump of weight in my heart.i feel suffocated, i just want to scream out all of them but i never has the chance to do so.there were times when i thought of suicide,but i never dare to do so because of my religion.but recently,i keep putting sharp tools like knives onto my bare wrist and imagining how good would it feel to do so.i would really like to slit my wrist that my heart is laughing inside when they told me to do so.the only resistance i have now is the thin line of faith that i still have inside me.have i told you about many stupid yet morally wrong things that i had done or almost did?i did not do some of them because of my friends and family.i don t want to give bad names to my family although i hated my parents so much.they are the reason i became the person i am today.so tell me doctor..am i depressed or am i just mentally ill?if i am depressed (does it mean that i feel pressed on the chest because that was and is how i feel),how to cure them?because i can t stand them anymore.i feel so suffocated for many years already..help me please...