Welcome to HCM
We understand your concerns
Your concerns are without any reason. Such practices are usually done by almost every youngster. After three or four times, they ejaculate. You also do the same. Semen is not always messy if you ejaculate it in a proper place. Right. Yes. Retrograde ejaculation
, in actuality, is ejecting of semen into urinary bladder
. Semen then goes out through urine.
It is a concern when there is a underlying medical condition such as inefficiency of bladder sphincter etc.
You are suppressing the orgasm, and therefore not retrograde. Don't confuse and become anxious. Be happy.