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What Causes Lack Of Response To Physical Affection In A Child?
Question: My male friend has a 13 year old daughter who doesn't show affection anymore. Her mother is a cold fish. They are divorced. I am concerned that it is because of her mom. Definitely not dad. When he hugs her, or anybody else for that matter, her hands and arms are down. Doesn't hug back. She accepts the hug but doesn't return it. I have tried to tell him that she has never seen a healthy adult relationship(mother divorced twice and dad never in a relationship since their divorce). If she doesn't see it or mom is wacky in relationships can't this play a part? I understand that teenagers go thru emotional, social, etc. things. She is not a rebel or acting out in any way. She is a good student and girl.
Brief Answer:
Be as supportive as possible
Detailed Answer:
Hello and thank you for your question. This is a very difficult situation. It is true that she is at an age that is very awkward. It is an age where many children are somewhat withdrawn and have trouble around adults. Also some people just do not like to hug, it makes them uncomfortable. It could be from the discord that has been in her home or the influences of her mother but it could also be just her stage of development. It would be a good idea if there is an adult female that she trusts to have that person talk to her directly about why she does not hug people back. Many children grow up in divorced families and do not have this problem. Is she depressed? anxious? Someone, either an adult female friend or her father needs to make sure that she is not having any serious emotional problems. If she is not, and she seems well adjusted in other ways then I would not worry about it. If she is having difficulties then counseling would be advisable.
Thank you for caring about her and trying to find ways to help.
Best regards,
Dr. Robinson
Be as supportive as possible
Detailed Answer:
Hello and thank you for your question. This is a very difficult situation. It is true that she is at an age that is very awkward. It is an age where many children are somewhat withdrawn and have trouble around adults. Also some people just do not like to hug, it makes them uncomfortable. It could be from the discord that has been in her home or the influences of her mother but it could also be just her stage of development. It would be a good idea if there is an adult female that she trusts to have that person talk to her directly about why she does not hug people back. Many children grow up in divorced families and do not have this problem. Is she depressed? anxious? Someone, either an adult female friend or her father needs to make sure that she is not having any serious emotional problems. If she is not, and she seems well adjusted in other ways then I would not worry about it. If she is having difficulties then counseling would be advisable.
Thank you for caring about her and trying to find ways to help.
Best regards,
Dr. Robinson
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Vinay Bhardwaj
Thank u but there is more. She doesn't talk to her father when he tries. Not sure he pushes it to avoid upset. Also he won't tell the children about our relationship. We have been involved for some time. I tell him it is to all our children's benefit to see a healthy one for once. He is afraid that they won't approve due to their Mom's in-out relationships. How can I assure him? Staying in the "closet" is becoming an issue for us. Strain. I love his children like mine and would be a positive influence for everyone but mostly her. I'm at my Whits end and concerned about her lack of emotion whether we stay together or not. Thanks.
Brief Answer:
Big XXXXXXX
Detailed Answer:
Thanks for your follow up. I am so sorry that this is going on. It does sound like it would be healthy for everyone concerned if you could be open and honest about your relationship. If he is willing to go to a counselor with you you may be able to work through some of this. If he is not, then I do not know anything you can do but continue to be supportive of him and his children. Continue to encourage him to let the children know about his relationship with you. Hopefully in time he will see that his relationship with you is a healthy one and would be good for his children to see this as a role model. It sounds like a stressful situation. I wish you the best. It sounds like you would be a very good person for his 13 year old daughter to bond with.
I sincerely hope this gets resolved soon and that you can all relate together as one family.
Big XXXXXXX
Detailed Answer:
Thanks for your follow up. I am so sorry that this is going on. It does sound like it would be healthy for everyone concerned if you could be open and honest about your relationship. If he is willing to go to a counselor with you you may be able to work through some of this. If he is not, then I do not know anything you can do but continue to be supportive of him and his children. Continue to encourage him to let the children know about his relationship with you. Hopefully in time he will see that his relationship with you is a healthy one and would be good for his children to see this as a role model. It sounds like a stressful situation. I wish you the best. It sounds like you would be a very good person for his 13 year old daughter to bond with.
I sincerely hope this gets resolved soon and that you can all relate together as one family.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Yogesh D
Thanks. It is stressful indeed. I will encourage him to speak with them keeping me anonymous for now. More of a general "feel"as to how they respond to him being in a relationship with someone. He did asked her how she would feel about him starting to date. She said she would like it. She said she liked the thought of having another girl around.(Has 2 brothers) I don't come around much anymore to not make them question things. She misses me coming. It makes me sad. I'm going to let him read this correspondence so one more answer from you regarding my final thoughts would be great. I want him to see it from a doctor instead of just me.
I appreciate your professional opinion. Thank you.
I appreciate your professional opinion. Thank you.
Brief Answer:
I agree with how you plan to proceed
Detailed Answer:
Yes, I agree that the father needs to make the decision about when to let his children know that he is dating. It sounds like it would be very helpful for the 13 year old girl to have a caring and concerned woman around her more often. Continue to be supportive as you are doing and give it time. I hope things work out for you and that soon you all can be open and honest with everyone about your relationship. Often children know, in some way, when parents are not being honest with them. I hope you can move to an honest, open and caring relationship soon.
Best wishes to you all.
I agree with how you plan to proceed
Detailed Answer:
Yes, I agree that the father needs to make the decision about when to let his children know that he is dating. It sounds like it would be very helpful for the 13 year old girl to have a caring and concerned woman around her more often. Continue to be supportive as you are doing and give it time. I hope things work out for you and that soon you all can be open and honest with everyone about your relationship. Often children know, in some way, when parents are not being honest with them. I hope you can move to an honest, open and caring relationship soon.
Best wishes to you all.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Yogesh D
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