Question: Hi, my name is XXXXXXX I've been struggling a lot more than usual recently, i know i've been under a lot of stress from a recent domestic abuse relationship, i'm away from that now but it's still causing a lot of problems, depression, sudden crying outbursts when i'm on my own, not being able to sleep well, not eating properly, being physically ill, paranoia, delusions, hallucinations. I know from my disorder, that it's normal to switch from love to hate, black to white, but it's happening more often than usual, i can't keep up with myself and it's exhausting. I occasionally get split second unwanted images in my head, it's destressing. i've wanted to act on these but i know they are not real and i've been able to distract from it. My moments of mania, depression and rage are far more intense, normally i can tell when i'm coming out of one stage and into another, but my brain can't keep up. With not being able to think straight, i've been mixing up my words and sentences, trying to speak quickly all at once, i haven't been able to string a sentence together, i thought one of the reasons for this may be my self medicating of cannabis, it hasn't been so bad since i've stopped but it's still a lot worse than it was months ago, my stutter has become a lot more apparent, because i'm not able to talk properly a lot of the time, people don't understand and tend to laugh, i know they don't mean it necessarily in a malicious way, but it's so frustrating that i can't get my words out or i repeat myself a lot more, I've been forgetting things that i've done, and as much as i try to remember, i don't know if certain things actually happened or not. I've been having nightmares and woke up screaming in my sleep the other night, that has never happened before, i've had suicidal thoughts and refused to take my tablets for the last month or so, as i felt the need to stock them up (just incase i 'need them', a bit like a security thing). I know this would be seen as attention seeking, but up until the other day, i hadn't told anyone what i've been doing for over a month. I'm incredibly unstable, i know this will be due to not taking my medication as i should, but i keep saying i don't need it and refuse to take it, it started off weeks ago because i wasn't able to wake up when i needed to so i'd sleep in longer, i couldn't afford to do that because i've had a lot of early appointments, so i've not been sleeping. I don't feel safe being on my own, and the last time i was this ill, was in 2008, i had to be restrained to take medication as i refused to and no one would stop me trying to self harm. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist earlier this week but i couldn't sleep then got to a point where i tried to stay awake, i inevitably ended up falling asleep anyway...
I just feel at a complete loss.