Question: Hello,
My name is XXXXX, I am 19 years old, and since a few months I have had the impression to go completely nuts.

That began at first with jumps of humors and the fits of anger, I came there to bang the head and to throw my telephone against the wall to the slightest contrariety. Today I do not have jumps anymore of humors, I always aim downward.

Then it became worse and worse.
I have a phobia of the black, I lived since September only but before I slept with my mother so much my fear was big, I know that it is not normal, but today still I keep the light on and I sometimes cross(spend) sleepless nights because of that. When I am in the black, I make hallucinations, visual and hearing, and I feel my body congealing, my heart rhythm to accelerate and I find myself totally under the submission of my hallucinations which terrorize me, I feel them touching me, whispering things in the ear, to stare at me, and to say to myself things which frighten me, etc....

I very very often to speak to myself only, and to laugh only, I also have an imaginary world in my head for years which occupies a rather important place in my thoughts, although it has now kind of calmed calmed it used to occupy a major part of my daily basis. This world is dark, cold, terrifying and disgusting, the characters and the ideas that I project on it are extremely ... dirty.

I am in first year of law, and I try with great difficulty to manage but it is very hard. Not just on studies, but my life generally.

I had at the beginning of the year, before coming to the faculty, a professor whom I adored more than anything. Adoring is really the term because it obsessed me and still obsesses me in an inconceivable point. That makes me sick, completely. I idealized him and felt many things for him, completely platonic love. Today it dissipates but he still obsesses me in an inconceivable point and for a good reason I have him make some thing which I regret a lot. I would return a little later in the comment there.

This Prof. occupied the majority of my thoughts, he was constantly in my head. I had a Prof. by quarter and it changed. When the quarter was ended I asked for getting back him, I put under stress, I did not manage to sleep and I cried for it even, I am extremely ashamed, and I do not know where from that comes. When I have sû that I would not have him it was a shock, I vomited it and cried, I was depressed.

Say that he(it) occupied major one left my everyday life is even an euphemism, it was my everyday life(daily paper), I thought of it day and night, I scrutinized him on the social networks, I have never wanted to hurt him, I liked him enormously and I just wanted to know him more.

I did not sleep there any more, I have a problem, I feel I have a mental problem, I feel he was a way to "turn" all this on, I am sure that it was only pretext to instigate these flames.

I eventually created with friends a false account to be able to speak to him, I was always very kind, I suggested him helping him for his projects and I encouraged him. He
I was always very kind, I suggested him helping him for his projects and I encouraged him. He was suspicious and I understands him totally. He eventually knew that the false account knew many things about him and he was afraid. It was not my intention, but I know that he has really frantic.
I sent him a message to excuse me, of the false account, explaining that all that I had found on him was either on his profile or on its account LinkedIn and that I planned to make him no anything, that I was intrigued by him and that I would straightaway stop annoying him and that I shall delete my account and shall not contact again it anymore. He seemed to calm down and to be reassured. I deleted my account, it did not talk again of it anymore.

It was approximately 6 months ago and I live with a weight on the consciousness today which prevents me from making the most basic of things, I do not sleep anymore, I do not eat anymore, I do not go to class anymore, in the evening I have insomnias, I think about what I have make, I think of him, I think of the hallucinations, I am afraid and I do not sleep. Sometimes me spent hours to look at photos of him whom he posts and to analyze the slightest of his gestures, his words. I remember all that he said by heart.
The day, I sleep all day long, I do not want to confront this world and my black thoughts.

I have never wanted to hurt him, I have make him unintentionally, I say to myself that he is moved on, I hope for it wholeheartedly, I know that just after the message of excuse which I sent to him he had gone on holiday, then I say to myself that that should not enormously worry him, I hope for it with all my heart. I feel bad to have made it to a man who was absolutely adorable with me. I am afraid that one day he knows that it is me, I would be destroyed. And I would have deserved him. Every night, every single night, I'm up all night thinking of what I did, of what he must have felt and I burst in tears, every single night I feel like the pithiest piece of crap on earth. I'm sick in the head and he had to pay for it.

And I want to remove him of my head, I do not want to think anymore of him, I want to be able to live a normal everyday life, I want to be able to manage and I know that I derive mentally and physically, I want anymore nothing. I say to myself that I have a mental problem and as I had said it before it was only a pretext to activate him.

The hygiene became for me a task extremely hard and to be able to concentrate me on my work is sometimes extremely difficult.
I manage however to have of good grades thanks to my friend with whom I revise and who allow me to forget a little bit.

I feel horribly alone, not only physically, parce- that my family and I let us be in two different continents and that it is my first alone year, that I do not have a great deal of friends.

But also mentally, I feel that I am different and that nobody can understand me, my social behavior is also strange and I do not manage to communicate or to look at people in a normal way.

I lost taste to everything, I wake up and I hate being cloistered in my apartment, I am afraid, I make feel guilty, and I want suicide.

I have the impression To become paranoiac. I have the impression to lose everybody, to bury my past. I am afraid that we call me to tell me that I lost a close friend, while I do not drop out anymore by the telephone. I became extremely irritable. I am afraid of finding never my previous life, of losing the things which are the dearest to me.
I think enormously of the death, mine and that of the others.

I am afraid that we do not love me anymore, I am afraid of not managing to untangle me alone and that all my everyday life finds itself upset overnight if I came to lose somebody. I say to myself that I would not survive the mourning and that if I does not terminate in my days before losing a close friend, I would have no scruple to kill me if I lost a member of my family, because I know that I could not survive later.

I do not know anymore where I am there nor that I am, I feel in a foreign body. Sometimes I feel that there is a mirror between the world and me, between my spirit and my body.
I've always been different, people have always told me how un-fit I was, how my behavior is socially awkward. I experience the distress way my brain works every single day, every single task is, to me, the heaviest burden. I try to keep on going, to try and do things the best I can. But there's no "best I can", I'm plain and I fail at everything I attempt.

I have come to the point that I believe my only way out is suicide. I've never felt that way before. I've always gone through ups and downs but not to that extent. I have come to a point that I consider studying to be the least of my problem, I wake up thinking "what if he fills a report? What if I go to jail? Why him? Why did I harass him? Why did I make him feel miserable? Why am I such a despicable person" and this thought throughout the day until I eventually fall asleep of tiredness.

It's now 2 am where I live (France) and I have a plane to catch tomorrow morning, and yet I can't sleep, I can't gather my thoughts, I can't organize myself. My life is a mess and I'm crying for all the wrong I did and I pity my poor parents for putting so much hope in my and investing in a obviously already tarnished future.

Thank you doctor for reading it up to the end and I wish you a good evening.

Hello Doctor Solanki,

Thank you very much for your help.

I will do some researches about psychotic features and will try to find a psychiatrist near where I live as you suggested.

Thank you for not judging my actions.

I want to feel better and would be willing to take any treatment for that.

If you're offering in-depth online consultations I would love to consult you. If it's possible, could you please tell me what your hourly fees are?

Thank you in advance,

Best regards,
XXXXX