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Partner suffering from erectile dysfunction. How to give sexual satisfaction?

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Practicing since : 2003
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I have a wonderful boyfriend, age 66, I am 55. He is a gentle, attentive, skilled lover but cannot get it up anymore. I don't think he wants to pursue medication and I am fine with this. I would just like to know more about how I can give him pleasure, since it is difficult without erection to know what makes him feel good. Can I assume most things that please a man who is not impotent, like oral sex, will likely please him? It would help to know which kinds of things work best for a man who is not erect. I've asked him to tell me or show me what makes him feel good, but at this point I think he is more comfortable giving pleasure to me. He is gifted and enjoys sending me through the roof. Of course I love this, but also want to make him feel as good as I can. Thanks in advance for your advice! PS. Please use email (not phone - not a topic for discussion in public - thanks). XXXXXXX
Posted Sat, 20 Apr 2013 in Erectile Dysfunction
Answered by Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar 1 hour later
Hello and welcome to Healthcare Magic. Thanks for your query.

This answer is posted directly and confidentially to you and will not be a part of any public forum / discussion.

Erectile dysfunction is fairly common in this age group and like you have mentioned, in your partner's case, it is most likely age-related.

However, it is important to understand that even if men suffer from erectile dysfunstion, their sexual desire is usually well preserved. So, even though your partner may not be overtly expressive of his sexual desires or needs (maybe due to embarassment about his erectile dysfunction), giving him sexual pleasure would definitely help him satisfy his sexual needs.

I would suggest the following tips:
1) Often, age-related erectile dysfunction is not an "all-or-none" phenomenon. That is, many men will be able to achieve partial erections or at certain times even good erections. Most men who have a partial erection problem often have what is known as "performance anxiety", that is a subconscious fear of losing the erection and not being able to "perform" well. This underlying anxiety / fear itself ends up worsening the erectile dysfunction.

So, the first step is to make him understand that he need not feel anxious or embarrased about his erection, and that you are absolutely comfortable without penetrative sex. This will relieve his mind of any mental blocks and help him enjoy sexual pleasure without any pressure.

2) The penis, tecticles and the surrounding genital region is full of touch sensitive receptors which can be sexually pleasurable. So, even if a man is not able to have an erection, touching, stroking, carassing, kissing, licking, sucking, etc.of the genitals / surrounding areas will definitely be sexually pleasurable.

3) One of the reasons for erectile dysfunction is inadequate arousal. So, I would suggest that you really spice up your foreplay. With time, you should be able to find out what "triggers his mood". A romantic environment or a sexually intimate discussion or other acts of foreplay can help in araousing his sexual desires and feelings.

4) Set aside exclusive time for "him alone" when he feels no obligation to satisfy you. Often men with sexual problems tend to go on the backfoot about themselves and probably out of hidden guilt end up focussing only on satisfying their partner. So, maybe, you can have times, where you can tell him that you do not want any sexual pleasure or orgasm, but want to only please his sexual desires. If given such an "exclusive" opportunity, he is more likely to be expressive and involved.

5) An erotic massage is one good way to not only make him feel satisfied but also explore his sexuality. It will serve to keep him relaxed, to "lose himself" completely and give in to his sexual desires. You will also be able to identify his "erotic zones" (maybe, stimulating his nipples, or his gently massaging his testicles, or stroking his inner thighs, etc.)

6) Most men have sexual fantasies (other than regular sexual intercourse). Maybe, you can slowly start discussing what his hidden fantasies and see if they can be tried out.

7) Finally, this whole process of finding what is sexually satisfying him (with or without an erection) is a trial-based thing. You can try different methods or novel techniques and some of them are sure to be effective.

Wish you all the best.

Dr. Jonas Sundarakumar
Consultant Psychiatrist & Sexologist
Above answer was peer-reviewed by
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