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On menopause. Changed behavior, loss interest in sex. How to handle?

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General & Family Physician
Practicing since : 2003
Answered : 1374 Questions
Question
Hi,
How would you behave if your partner and what would you say to your partner if you were living all the following events in the same day :
-     You had a stressful day with slight palpitations, you decide to unwind a little bit by getting up a little laterthe next day .Morevover, you decided to go to the library to get some books. You will save money. But the library opens at 10.00 am
-     At 8.30 , she wakes you up on purpose : come on get up , all men are already at work , you behave like a child . Solution : leaving early and getting back late
-     At 9.30 , you go shopping for your lunch as she would not do the shopping for the lunch as she decided her main (and only?) role is to take care of the children. For me, she would do the strictest minimum. When you get back from shopping and the library, you discover unexpectedly that she bought some nice sushis for her and the children . She would eat them all not thinking of letting you a crumb. It would have saved me time if she had bought for all of us.
Solution : go and buy my own sushis
-     You leave home with a bag for your stuff. She starts making a fuss. You take my bag.
Even though we have plenty, she starts nagging. Solution : buy a new bag just for me
You decided to make a trip to solve an urgent matter for your parents. One neigbour is having an abusive claim. He wants my parents to pay for a 7000USD + XXXXXXX for making waterproof my parents balcony above their veranda. The scandal is that this veranda was not planned when they built the building. It was added. So it is normal that their balcony was not waterproof as it was not necessary. Now they want my parents to pay for this pleasure they have decided.
Solution : solve the issue with lawyers and goodwill
As you will have to take care of the case after a capital day of work just before, you would enjoy having 3 days of rest before getting back home. Immediately, she would ask for me to pay for the trip with her and children ( it is very expensive) or to get back just after the meeting with the neigbours. You have to take care of the children, she says.
Solution : take the 3 days anyway.
Now she is in her menopause period. Usually her cycles were 30 days . The last one was 46 days. You ask her to go and see a gynecologist to know when it is safe to have sex.
She says no. Who cares ? Even though, she knows the odds are minimum of having a child, she have some satisfaction when she sees me worrying between intimacy and the arrival of her cycle. I worry because I read some studies it is XXXXXXX Moreover, in the context I have just described where love and tenderness are not at the pinnacle, I do not wish to have a new child. The other dilemma is if you wait too long there is a risk that she has her menses and you do not want to have sex during this period, for sure.
Solution : having another sex partner ( but would mean divorce) or no sex ( but would mean frustration) or learning how to behave with such a human being.( any clues ? )
Eventually,it takes me a lot of time to cope with this relationship . it implies delays in my work and it is not totally neutral on my long term health
What do you think of my solutions. Would you have others ?
Posted Mon, 28 Oct 2013 in Sexual Problems
 
 
Answered by Dr. Vaishalee Punj 1 hour later
Brief Answer:
Dive inside yourself

Detailed Answer:
Hi

Thanks for posting your query on XXXXXXX

Mostly your solution is marriage counselling. Sometimes counselling may make you feel that you have big issues in your marriage, when in real most couples face similar problems. Thus the ideal solution will be to live through it with a smile. Do work within your capacity and say "no" to tasks that are beyond your capacity.

Now I will give my solutions to your issues. Hope it helps.

How would you behave if your partner and what would you say to your partner if you were living all the following events in the same day :
- You had a stressful day with slight palpitations, you decide to unwind a little bit by getting up a little laterthe next day .Morevover, you decided to go to the library to get some books. You will save money. But the library opens at 10.00 am
- At 8.30 , she wakes you up on purpose : come on get up , all men are already at work , you behave like a child . Solution : leaving early and getting back late
- At 9.30 , you go shopping for your lunch as she would not do the shopping for the lunch as she decided her main (and only?) role is to take care of the children. For me, she would do the strictest minimum. When you get back from shopping and the library, you discover unexpectedly that she bought some nice sushis for her and the children . She would eat them all not thinking of letting you a crumb. It would have saved me time if she had bought for all of us.
Solution : go and buy my own sushis
My solution: Tell her with a smile not to disturb you while sleeping. Preparing or arranging for your meal is no big deal as long as you get your rest. Just be satisfied with whatever she can do for you and vice versa.

- You leave home with a bag for your stuff. She starts making a fuss. You take my bag.
Even though we have plenty, she starts nagging.
Solution : buy a new bag just for me

My solution: With a smile – “Sorry honey. I will take another one”.

You decided to make a trip to solve an urgent matter for your parents. One neigbour is having an abusive claim. He wants my parents to pay for a 7000USD + XXXXXXX for making waterproof my parents balcony above their veranda. The scandal is that this veranda was not planned when they built the building. It was added. So it is normal that their balcony was not waterproof as it was not necessary. Now they want my parents to pay for this pleasure they have decided.
Solution : solve the issue with lawyers and goodwill
My solution: One thing is that this issue is not urgent. If you let time take care of it, it will resolve on its own, without your slightest interference. Tell the neighbours that you can do whatever is in your capacity. If they are being adamant, just do whatever is in your nature. If you feel good about it, then do it, otherwise don’t.

As you will have to take care of the case after a capital day of work just before, you would enjoy having 3 days of rest before getting back home. Immediately, she would ask for me to pay for the trip with her and children ( it is very expensive) or to get back just after the meeting with the neigbours. You have to take care of the children, she says.
Solution : take the 3 days anyway.
My solution: You need to take care of your children. There are many fathers who yearn to be with their kids but they cannot be. So just be grateful that you are getting to do it. Again you may do whatever is in your capacity.

Now she is in her menopause period. Usually her cycles were 30 days . The last one was 46 days. You ask her to go and see a gynecologist to know when it is safe to have sex.
She says no. Who cares ? Even though, she knows the odds are minimum of having a child, she have some satisfaction when she sees me worrying between intimacy and the arrival of her cycle. I worry because I read some studies it is XXXXXXX Moreover, in the context I have just described where love and tenderness are not at the pinnacle, I do not wish to have a new child. The other dilemma is if you wait too long there is a risk that she has her menses and you do not want to have sex during this period, for sure.
Solution : having another sex partner ( but would mean divorce) or no sex ( but would mean frustration) or learning how to behave with such a human being.( any clues ? )
My solution: Contraception. Try to persuade her for contraception, or you rely on condoms. Urine pregnancy test kits are easily available at all pharmacies. It can be used at home to rule out pregnancy.

Eventually,it takes me a lot of time to cope with this relationship . it implies delays in my work and it is not totally neutral on my long term health.
My solution: Try to focus on yourself most of the time. One way to do it is with meditation (diving inside yourself). This also helps with multitasking.

She is a human. She is just being her nature. Tell her that you need time for yourself. Whenever you are taking out time for yourself, she is not supposed to disturb you.

Keeping a smile on face at all times works. Even if artificial. Rather than focus on her try focusing on yourself or maybe your kids.

Regards

Dr Vaishalee


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