Sign-in to Ask A Doctor - 24x7
OR
Sign in with Google
Suggest Ways To Build Up Self Esteem
Question: Hi Dr XXXXXXX
You responded to my previous question about my boyfriend cheating.
You were so right, he did it again, I found out just couple of days ago, with the same girl who he cheated on me before and one more girl, he admitted it. That girl was the first to text me about this and then i asked him and he said its true. I couldn't believe it, because he always swore that he would never do it again, that he doesn't need anyone else, he was lying all along. After we talked, he said that he loves me so much and he is so sorry, he said that he just had his feelings hurt, because when he asked me what i'm doing, i wasn't responding straight forward, i was saying some funny things or something else, I don't remember anymore, but he said that he thought that I'm going out on a dates and talking to other people, so he went and cheated on me, he never believed i was a virgin and he was the first guy, he still doesn't believe it, which just makes me so angry because I was so stupidly imagining some magic, that i would do it with someon who loves me and respects me and honestly i only wanted only 1 man in my entire life to be first and last, he ruined it and he is not even sorry. He says he always done that in his previous relationships. He said that the girl who he cheated with, told him that she really wanted to have sex and he asked her not to tell anyone especially me, otherwise he would never see her again, but she tells different story, that he told her that he is not with me anymore and that he wanted to be with her, telling her how beautiful she is and that he took her to dinners and movies. He was sending me and her the same exact videos and photos and telling all the same stories. So in the end, he told me that he wants to fix it and he wants to give me all his passwords and would tell me everything about what he is doing at any time. He said that he made a mistake and he regrets it, he said it is not cheating, he said that he only loves me and no matter what happens he will always be with me and that whats important, he said that he will not ever cheat on his wife, and that he has full intentions to marry me. I know that it is all lie again. I decided that I will never want this in my life. I can't respect him. I didn't say anything bad to him. I just told him that I wish him happiness and I will never forgive him, never going back. It is so angering to me, I went to his country especially for his birthday, made a XXXXXXX gave him gifts and abandoned my family and spend day and night with him, he said he was happy beyond belief but after that once I left he went on cheating on me right away. I told him that if he said that this is not working we would've figured something out, I would've moved to him, I would've visited him more often, he said he didn't know how much he meant to me and he made a terrible mistake. I don;t want any of it in my life ever again. At this stage I just want to forget, I spent 2 years of my life on this guy, i never went on dates with anyone else, I never even corresponded with anyone via social sites, and I feel so angry that i spent those years on him, always worrying, always being unhappy, being put down by him on any occasion that he could, he always told me how terrible person I am, I started believing it in the end, I was so stupid that i believed one word he said. All I want to do is to forget, to carry on with my life and let go of so much pain. I feel so terrible and miserable, I stayed home for 3 days and just watched Dr House, which i love and ate ice-cream, took some Xanax, because my heart was aching. I know it is not real, it is all in my head, and that is the most angering to me that I can't control my thoughts, I can't control my emotions, I don't want to spend another day of my life thinking and being sorry for myself, I feel so sorry for all this time that i wasted, I'm fully responsible for everything that happened to me, and I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess for an advise. How can I forget? Should i take a trip somewhere? My work is not really hard to do you know, i know it so well that i get so bored to be in the same office all day long, it is even more depressing, the place where I live don't have any young people my age, everyone is 50-60 years old men. I can't even go on a date with anyone, because I'm not that kind of a person, I don't like to hurt anyone and I don't think it is fair to go on a date when you are not interested in a person, when you know he is not right guy for you. I don't think it is fair to give someone hope, when you know it is not going anywhere, Some people look at it so casually, and I can't, I don;t like to hurt people. I want to go snowboarding to XXXXXXX maybe, take a full week off, but i feel so much responsibility in my work place, should i just do it and don't look back? I was so dedicated to my work, I spend all the holidays here and all the beautiful days, I live next to the ocean and I never even went there once in the summertime during 5 years i live here. I don't know why I do it to myself. I just was very impressed that everything you said was true, so I'm kind of desperate maybe to get professional advise how to get over this. I can't forgive myself for suffering because of his cheating, because he doesn't deserve it, i don't deserve it, i can do so many beautiful things with my life and I feel paralyzed. Also another horrible thing is that I'm still checking my emails and subconsciously waiting for his phone call, for his actions, and it makes me so terrified, because I can't stand the thought that i could ever forgive him and suffer my whole life like this.
You responded to my previous question about my boyfriend cheating.
You were so right, he did it again, I found out just couple of days ago, with the same girl who he cheated on me before and one more girl, he admitted it. That girl was the first to text me about this and then i asked him and he said its true. I couldn't believe it, because he always swore that he would never do it again, that he doesn't need anyone else, he was lying all along. After we talked, he said that he loves me so much and he is so sorry, he said that he just had his feelings hurt, because when he asked me what i'm doing, i wasn't responding straight forward, i was saying some funny things or something else, I don't remember anymore, but he said that he thought that I'm going out on a dates and talking to other people, so he went and cheated on me, he never believed i was a virgin and he was the first guy, he still doesn't believe it, which just makes me so angry because I was so stupidly imagining some magic, that i would do it with someon who loves me and respects me and honestly i only wanted only 1 man in my entire life to be first and last, he ruined it and he is not even sorry. He says he always done that in his previous relationships. He said that the girl who he cheated with, told him that she really wanted to have sex and he asked her not to tell anyone especially me, otherwise he would never see her again, but she tells different story, that he told her that he is not with me anymore and that he wanted to be with her, telling her how beautiful she is and that he took her to dinners and movies. He was sending me and her the same exact videos and photos and telling all the same stories. So in the end, he told me that he wants to fix it and he wants to give me all his passwords and would tell me everything about what he is doing at any time. He said that he made a mistake and he regrets it, he said it is not cheating, he said that he only loves me and no matter what happens he will always be with me and that whats important, he said that he will not ever cheat on his wife, and that he has full intentions to marry me. I know that it is all lie again. I decided that I will never want this in my life. I can't respect him. I didn't say anything bad to him. I just told him that I wish him happiness and I will never forgive him, never going back. It is so angering to me, I went to his country especially for his birthday, made a XXXXXXX gave him gifts and abandoned my family and spend day and night with him, he said he was happy beyond belief but after that once I left he went on cheating on me right away. I told him that if he said that this is not working we would've figured something out, I would've moved to him, I would've visited him more often, he said he didn't know how much he meant to me and he made a terrible mistake. I don;t want any of it in my life ever again. At this stage I just want to forget, I spent 2 years of my life on this guy, i never went on dates with anyone else, I never even corresponded with anyone via social sites, and I feel so angry that i spent those years on him, always worrying, always being unhappy, being put down by him on any occasion that he could, he always told me how terrible person I am, I started believing it in the end, I was so stupid that i believed one word he said. All I want to do is to forget, to carry on with my life and let go of so much pain. I feel so terrible and miserable, I stayed home for 3 days and just watched Dr House, which i love and ate ice-cream, took some Xanax, because my heart was aching. I know it is not real, it is all in my head, and that is the most angering to me that I can't control my thoughts, I can't control my emotions, I don't want to spend another day of my life thinking and being sorry for myself, I feel so sorry for all this time that i wasted, I'm fully responsible for everything that happened to me, and I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess for an advise. How can I forget? Should i take a trip somewhere? My work is not really hard to do you know, i know it so well that i get so bored to be in the same office all day long, it is even more depressing, the place where I live don't have any young people my age, everyone is 50-60 years old men. I can't even go on a date with anyone, because I'm not that kind of a person, I don't like to hurt anyone and I don't think it is fair to go on a date when you are not interested in a person, when you know he is not right guy for you. I don't think it is fair to give someone hope, when you know it is not going anywhere, Some people look at it so casually, and I can't, I don;t like to hurt people. I want to go snowboarding to XXXXXXX maybe, take a full week off, but i feel so much responsibility in my work place, should i just do it and don't look back? I was so dedicated to my work, I spend all the holidays here and all the beautiful days, I live next to the ocean and I never even went there once in the summertime during 5 years i live here. I don't know why I do it to myself. I just was very impressed that everything you said was true, so I'm kind of desperate maybe to get professional advise how to get over this. I can't forgive myself for suffering because of his cheating, because he doesn't deserve it, i don't deserve it, i can do so many beautiful things with my life and I feel paralyzed. Also another horrible thing is that I'm still checking my emails and subconsciously waiting for his phone call, for his actions, and it makes me so terrified, because I can't stand the thought that i could ever forgive him and suffer my whole life like this.
Brief Answer:
Don't believe a word he tells you
Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX I am sorry for your pain. You are not at fault, and don't blame yourself. You are one of many women who have gotten emotionally trapped by this type of man who is emotionally and often physically abusive. Their typical behavior is to lie, tell you how much they love you, then hurt you badly. Then they come back and say how sorry they are and how much they love you and they'll never do it again, then immediately turn around and do it again.
This way they eat away your self esteem until they are totally controlling you. Everything they tell you is BS. They have no capability of feeling real love or emotions.
I know it hurts now, but remember this has been done TO you. You have been a victim of this man. You need to build up your self esteem and not look back. The feeling you have for him are not true love but just emotions that he has manipulated in you to control you. Please forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Get some books about emotionally abused women, or get some counseling with someone specializing in this. It's a very common problem and there is lots of help available. Look for places treating physically and emotionally abused women.
What these places can do is help you rebuild your self-esteem, and teach you how not to get caught in the future by such men. Consider the 2 years a lesson well learned for the future. It will pave the way for you to find your real true love in the future. You are very young yet, so don't worry about things. If you feel you need to take a trip to get over it, do it. The main thing is to take care of yourself. Treat yourself as a valuable person, because you are. You won't suffer the rest of your life and there is no need to forgive him, only yourself. Do those beautiful things in your life and don't look back. Hope this helps.
Don't believe a word he tells you
Detailed Answer:
Hi XXXXXXX I am sorry for your pain. You are not at fault, and don't blame yourself. You are one of many women who have gotten emotionally trapped by this type of man who is emotionally and often physically abusive. Their typical behavior is to lie, tell you how much they love you, then hurt you badly. Then they come back and say how sorry they are and how much they love you and they'll never do it again, then immediately turn around and do it again.
This way they eat away your self esteem until they are totally controlling you. Everything they tell you is BS. They have no capability of feeling real love or emotions.
I know it hurts now, but remember this has been done TO you. You have been a victim of this man. You need to build up your self esteem and not look back. The feeling you have for him are not true love but just emotions that he has manipulated in you to control you. Please forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Get some books about emotionally abused women, or get some counseling with someone specializing in this. It's a very common problem and there is lots of help available. Look for places treating physically and emotionally abused women.
What these places can do is help you rebuild your self-esteem, and teach you how not to get caught in the future by such men. Consider the 2 years a lesson well learned for the future. It will pave the way for you to find your real true love in the future. You are very young yet, so don't worry about things. If you feel you need to take a trip to get over it, do it. The main thing is to take care of yourself. Treat yourself as a valuable person, because you are. You won't suffer the rest of your life and there is no need to forgive him, only yourself. Do those beautiful things in your life and don't look back. Hope this helps.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Thanks so much Dr XXXXXXX it was very helpful as always. What books do you recommend specifically? What is the best way to build up the self esteem back? Thanks so much for all your help. Thats what i needed now. I really appreciate all the advices.
Brief Answer:
The Emotionally Abused Woman
Detailed Answer:
I believe that's the correct title of the book I've recommended before. It has exercises you can do to deal with the problem. Also check out your local bookstore or XXXXXXX com. They usually have a nice selection of books about self esteem. In fact, most often a separate category on that topic. Look into a support group. You also might be able to get recommendations from a local womens shelter. Good luck. You are tsking good steps to get this behind you.
The Emotionally Abused Woman
Detailed Answer:
I believe that's the correct title of the book I've recommended before. It has exercises you can do to deal with the problem. Also check out your local bookstore or XXXXXXX com. They usually have a nice selection of books about self esteem. In fact, most often a separate category on that topic. Look into a support group. You also might be able to get recommendations from a local womens shelter. Good luck. You are tsking good steps to get this behind you.
Above answer was peer-reviewed by :
Dr. Chakravarthy Mazumdar
Answered by
Get personalised answers from verified doctor in minutes across 80+ specialties
