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Depressed, feeling like a fraud

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Practicing since : 2004
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Depressed and desperate for answers
I am suffering from depression for a secret I have kept, and I can't seem to cope with it. It is embarassing but I need help.
Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was discovering my sexuality. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing it against my bare groin to pleasure myself (who does that??!!!) About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a XXXXXXX depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as others have thought this has been the root cause of my issue.

First of all, was rubbing it agains my groin considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. A couple therapists I have talked to said that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset, and still unable to fully believe them. My BIGGEST concern is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty and that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a young girl. But is 12 even considered a child? Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing??)
Posted Thu, 12 Apr 2012 in Mental Health
Answered by Dr. Ashish Mittal 19 minutes later

Thanks for your query.

It is nice to see such a good description of your current suffering. From your detail history, it is clear that you have following symptoms:
•     Low mood
•     Loss of interest in previous pleasurable activities (anhedonia)
•     Excessive guilt

All these are symptoms of depression and need attention.

Apart from that concurrently you have excessive guilt which is symptom of depression. In teenage group, people usually do such kind of experience to explore sexuality.

Following measures will help you:
•     First remember your situation is transient and will solve in few weeks if you follow my advice
•     Ask help from friends and family members; do not feel shy for that.
•     Make structured daily routine so that you can save time for yourself, for friends and for important activities
•     Eat adequate food, fruits and drink juice. Avoid alcohol use if any
•     Do not take much stress at workplace.
•     Talk frequently with friends and family members
•     Most important visit psychiatrist so that he can counsel you and prescribe medicine for depression. These days, very good medicines available for depression. People life changes within weeks of treatment.

I hope this information has been both informative and helpful for you. In case of any doubt, I will be available for follow ups.

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