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Loneliness and depression leading to marital conflicts - Online Doctor Chats

Date : 13-Jan-2012
User rating for this question
Very Good Posted in: Depression
Answered by

General & Family Physician
Practicing since : 2005
Answered : 2408 Questions
User :   Hi, may I answer your health
Doctor :  
Doctor :  
Proceed with your query
User :   as i told u no physical health problem but mentally i am very depressed and lonely which is causing a drift between me AND MY HUSBAND
Doctor :  
Ok
Doctor :  
I am here
Doctor :   You had chatted with our support team
User :   he is the nicest human being and loves me very much but still i doubt him
Doctor :  
Hence I would like you to start it again
User :   my problem is loneliness and depression
Doctor :   Ok

User :   beacuse of this i take out some or the other thing to fight or nag my husband
Doctor :   Ok

User :   these days he is lot on the facebook adnd found his school friend . a girl
Doctor :  
Ok
User :   i know she is just a frind and he is not going to get involved with her anyway , even he says this . but still i fight with him and i always have this on my mind
Doctor :   Yes, it is the same
User :   what do i do
Doctor :  
Even I have got many past friends whom I dont even remember properly
Doctor :  
So you need to understand that
User :   i feel like crying and sharing with someone but i don't have anybody to talk to
Doctor :  
On facebook and orkut, friends are just on the computer
Doctor :  
and not in the practical world
Doctor :  
I can understand your situation
Doctor :  
One part of your mind is thinking logically
Doctor :  
and one more is just impulsive
Doctor :  
and not rational
User :   i know that. i am aware of it. but still loneliness does not make me understand this.
Doctor :  
the internal conflict is causing you the problem
Doctor :  
Before proceeding further
User :   if i talk to my husband he does not understand my problem and starts shouting .
Doctor :  
I would like to know your age, time since marriage, occupation, height, weight and location
User :   i do not have any friend or any relative here in mumbai with whom i ccan go out , or talk
User :   i am 39 yrs,married for 15 years (happily married till now) am a housewife,
Doctor :   Ok

User :   my husband is very nice. he really takes care of me , gets me anything i ask for. but he does not want to understand that i am lonely. he made me join gym also, does not object if i go anywhere out(that to i do alone)
Doctor :   Yes, he is very much concerned towards you

User :   sometimes i think i should stay separately from him. but this also i cannot do, because i really love hu=im alot. my life revolves around him and my kids
Doctor :   Ok

Doctor :  
How about children?
Doctor :   How many and what are they doing?
User :   now advise me something . where i am wrg. is it only me who needs to understand or he also needs to adjust.
User :   i have 2 kids 13 and 9 years. lovable. loves both of us. as i told u our family is just me,my husband and my 2 children. all of us think this way
Doctor :   Ok

Doctor :  
I hope you get sufficient time to spend with your children
Doctor :   Nuclear families are like that

Doctor :  
they are a close bond and do not have much contact with the outside world
User :   i doubt my husband because of certain amt of fear. earlier whenever we used to have relationship he used to fantasise about other females, some existinff]g and some non -existing. this has created a fear in my mind. so even if he is on net chatting to jis school friend, on of my mind says nothing wrong but a wife in me sarts doubting
Doctor :   Ok

User :   nothing more to say
Doctor :  
He is being frank and is commenting
Doctor :  
and no hidden things in that
User :   but i do not like it
Doctor :   Yes, that is a feminine trait
User :   i have told him n number of times.
Doctor :  
It is the same with you
Doctor :  
Nothing wrong with it
Doctor :  
though you dont like it, you should take it lightly
Doctor :  
and ask him not to repeat that
Doctor :  
What does he comment mainly, if you dont mind? So that I can guide you on that aspect
User :   he has stopped doing it lately but has started me fantasing with othwers. i hate it
Doctor :   Ok

Doctor :  
If you could quote some instances
Doctor :  
I can get the jist of it
Doctor :  
like how relevant it is?
User :   me having a detailed sex with one of my ex-colleague. who i have never spoken to after leaving my job 5 yeras ago. but he says he loves fantasing this.
Doctor :   I could not get you

User :   whenever we have a relationship he fantasies me with somebody else. and says he woud not mind me having sex with him
Doctor :   Ok

User :   but he does not want to have it with anyone else axcept me.\
Doctor :   He knows that you dont do that
Doctor :  
and just wants to irritate you I feel
User :   yes he is 100% sure of it and knows to me my priority is my family
Doctor :   Yes,

Doctor :  
just a false thing
Doctor :  
He is putting
User :   i can go to any extent to take care of these people in my kife
Doctor :   Firstly you need to ignore that
User :   i used to but now just to shut him even i start taking his names and after that i just hate myself for going to such a low level
Doctor :   Ok

Doctor :   You speak to him frankly about this
User :   yes yes he is my best friend. i can talk to him about anything.
Doctor :  
and tell him that these things are really disturbing you
User :   but atfer that he get irritated and stops talking to me
Doctor :  
and he should refrain from it
Doctor :  
Just speak to him
Doctor :  
Do not go for a verbal fight
User :   does not work out.
Doctor :   Ok

Doctor :  
Meaning?
User :   i do not want fights. but cannot think of my life without him. after all these things he says we should get separated. the thought of this breaks me
Doctor :   Ok

User :   i don't know where i am wrg or where he is wrong.
Doctor :  
Do you both mind to go to a psychiatrist together?
User :   he says we should get a mediator in bewteen who can tell us where we r wrg.
Doctor :   Yes

Doctor :  
It is right
User :   do u think is he also wrong.
Doctor :  
A pschiatrist or a family counsellor is the key
Doctor :  
They can mediate it
Doctor :  
and help you
Doctor :  
Do you cooperate in sex with him?
Doctor :  
Or you refuse sometimes
User :   absolutely
User :   never ever i have refused him. both of us are very staisfied.
User :   i know he is not going to go out for all these things anywhere out.
Doctor :   Ok

Doctor :  
Great faith
User :   he is not like other men. i told u he is the nicest human being
Doctor :  
You have that
Doctor :  
and you should continue in the same line
Doctor :  
So now you should attend to a counsellor
Doctor :  
and get his/her help in this
Doctor :  
It will resolve
Doctor :  
Other than this you mentioned loneliness
Doctor :  
why is that?
User :   the whole day i am alone at home. my husband leave by 10.30 . then from 10.30 to 2 when he comes home for lunch nothing to do and nobody to talk to.
User :   this has come up lately
Doctor :   and in the evening when does he return?

User :   after 3 i am very busy. he comes home on time also. no touring. absolutley fine with him.
User :   he come back max by 7.30
Doctor :   The timing is really not that heavy

Doctor :  
You can manage it
Doctor :   How about kids?
Doctor :  
when are they at home?
User :   they cm back by 3.30 no issues with them. they r all good'
User :   thay spend a lot of time with me.
Doctor :   Ok

Doctor :  
Then you are hardly alone for 4-5 hours
Doctor :  
which is very small
Doctor :  
there are people who are alone for 15-16 hours in many families
User :   i agree
User :   i like people
User :   i go to the mall closeby everyday just to see people
Doctor :   Ok

Doctor :  
Mumbai people are very adaptive and friendly
Doctor :  
You can get friendship easily
Doctor :  
It can be with your neighbours, gym friends any
User :   doc just tell me or advie me one thing the fear abt facebbok that i have . his chatting with his schhol friend(even she is happily married) how wrg is it.
Doctor :   Nothing wrong in that

Doctor :  
Idle mind proverb do you know
User :   yes idle mind is devils workshop
User :   how do i overcome this
Doctor :  
Yes
Doctor :  
Now get out of that
Doctor :  
You should get involved in activities
User :   i do not want to nag his life. even i feel bad for him.
User :   but how do i do that.
Doctor :  
If you have a quest for knowledge
Doctor :  
Books are ideal
User :   i hate sitting at home the whole day doc.
Doctor :   Ok

Doctor :  
Are you enjoying the gym?
User :   i read novels while going to sleep. both of us do that
Doctor :  
How about household chores?
Doctor :   Do you do that?

User :   i love it. but do not get any appreciation so even that has become very boring.
User :   i do all the work myself. except the utensils and floor cleaning.
Doctor :  
Ok
Doctor :  
Spend time in it
User :   my husband is very finnicky about safa. he wants the house chakachak.
User :   if i do some work he will not apprecaite iyt but will tell me the thing that i should have done it.
Doctor :   In Indian households it is common that the housewife is not appreciated for her work
Doctor :  
they take it as granted
User :   my attitude is that a litlle apppreciation works wonders.
Doctor :  
and complain only when things go wrong
Doctor :  
but when everything is right, they dont comment
Doctor :  
it is their problem
Doctor :  
and not yours
Doctor :  
You should be out of that also
Doctor :  
and do your work without much consideration for rewards
User :   kahan kahan se bahaagoon doctor
Doctor :   Sorry, I am not comfortable with hindi

User :   what do u advise me to do now
User :   how do i amprove myself and what should i tell my husband to improve on if anything'
Doctor :   Speak with him about the odd comments he is making while you are having sex

Doctor :   Get the help of a family counsellor to whom both should be present

Doctor :  
Do your gym activity or aerobics you can try
Doctor :  
It is fun and rejuvenating
User :   ok
Doctor :  
You can get friends there as well
Doctor :  
Do not having restrictions
Doctor :  
Be open to friendship
Doctor :  
Be it male or female
Doctor :  
Go out once in a while with your family
Doctor :  
If they do not have much time
Doctor :  
then you can go out of station to your relative's or friends house
User :   every weekend we go out.
Doctor :   then fine
Doctor :  
and still if you are having any problem
Doctor :  
with time killing
Doctor :  
then you can also work
Doctor :  
on a part time basis
Doctor :  
or join a volunteering group
User :   i was thinking on the same lines.]
Doctor :   But again you will miss your home if you become busy at work

Doctor :  
If financial need is not there
Doctor :  
then volunteering is best
Doctor :  
It can be in a temple, hospital, NGO, etc.
User :   with all that i have told u about my husband do u think he is going to get involved with his friend on fb. because he waits to talk to her. they tallk general things only
Doctor :   He is eager to talk to her
Doctor :  
because they will have old memories
Doctor :  
thats it
Doctor :  
It is a relaxing thing
Doctor :  
to go back and think about schooldays
Doctor :  
nothing more than that
Doctor :  
You should not worry about that
User :   he tells me also to make frinds with her but a good girl in me stops me cos i think y should i interefre in his friendship . i should give him some space also. but then a wife in me kills this thought of a good girl
Doctor :   No

Doctor :  
Both are fine
Doctor :  
He is quite open about it
Doctor :  
thats all
Doctor :  
if you become friend then that is also good
Doctor :  
even if you leave them, it is also good
Doctor :  
No issues as such
User :   i will try to think on those lines now.
Doctor :   Yes, you should

User :   and will try ro change.
Doctor :  
You can
Doctor :  
You are having a clean mind
Doctor :  
So you can be successful in it
User :   thanks. it was good talking infact sharing thing with u
Doctor :   Is there any thing else I can help you with?

User :   thanx.
Doctor :   Thanks for consulting HealthcareMagic. Bye for now. Please refer your friends to our service.
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