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Depression due to family problems - Online Doctor Chats

Date : 13-Jan-2012
User rating for this question
Average Posted in: Mental Health
Answered by

General & Family Physician
Practicing since : 2005
Answered : 2480 Questions
User :   I got married before 4 yrs. i have a 3 yrs old kid. I have lot of problems in my marriage life. My husband is not co operating. i do not have any idea of leaving him. i love him and i know that he loves me. but he doesnt talk at all. He has not at all expressed his love. he has no intention of having any other external affair. his character is like that that he will never talk to each other. i have to beg him to take me out. he will ensure that we come back before 8 pm in the evening. we hardly discuss about our life.. it is just like a machine life... he doesnt even know what i need...what i like... he doesnt even care to listen to me.. after all this is we fight we fight and i end up in crying and stressing my whole day. still he has not improved.
                                                  
                                                  
                                                  
                                                  
Doctor :   Hi
User :   hi Doctor
User :   the whole problem is my hubby is not expressin his feelings / thoughts to me... i am getting stressed out and he is not co operative
Doctor :   Yes

Doctor :  
How has your relationship been earlier?
User :   The same... even in the initial stages of marriage
Doctor :  
When has it become like thiis?
Doctor :  
Was he good to you atleast in your honeymoon & the first year?
User :   this is the same life i have been having since marriage... i thought initially that things will get changed as he spends time with me.. but i can see no change...
Doctor :  
How is his relation with his son/daughter?
Doctor :  
Does he love the kid atleast?
User :   he likes our son.. but since he doesnt play with the child.. the child is not even mingling with him
Doctor :  
How is he with other relatives & friends?
Doctor :   Does he/you have any other personel probs that you wish to share with me now?

User :   he doesnt interact with the relatives.. even if they come home.. he will not even say "hi" or give company to them... he doesnt have friends that he values much... he says friends have cheated him so he doesnt like to have any friend
Doctor :  
Ok
Doctor :  
How was his childhood?
User :   after our marriage, we are involved only physically till now.. but my mind keeps saying that he is not completely accepting me..
Doctor :  
His relation with his parents?
User :   he has very good relation with his parents... they live with us only... he says each and every thing to his mom and dad... but not with me.. when i ask him he will tell me that too without details...he would just answer my question...
User :   he doesnt like me talking to my parents.. he says i have to forget them
Doctor :  
Is the physical relationship with you still continuing?
User :   i tried making him understand that even i am a similar human being like him
User :   yes, but i have stopped showing involvement..
User :   i am working and he says me to stop working...
Doctor :  
He seems to have a personality disorder
User :   but doctor, if i tell him that he is not practical.. he says i am mad..
Doctor :  
You could well be the best Doctor he can get
User :   thinking about him i have become very stressful... and my life and my son's life is getting lost. we are not enjoying our life just as any other person is doing
Doctor :  
How supportive is your family
User :   i would want him to become as any other person...
Doctor :  
Since he seems to have a good relation with his parents
User :   i live in a joint family.. as any other family in-laws do not like me.. as they think i control their son...
Doctor :  
he still has a chance of showing that love on you
User :   i have told them that he is not right.. but they are saying he is like that since childhood... they dont have any intention to make him a social person
Doctor :  
but you have missed the best time to capture his heart- first year marriage & first year of your childs birth
User :   i have tried my level best doc..
Doctor :  
Good
User :   even now.. i feel that he is in some complex... he feels i am intelligent than him...so he thinks i control him
Doctor :  
what is your qualificaion
User :   anything i do i consult with him...
Doctor :  
what is his
User :   he is MCA and i am BE
User :   ours is arranged... also he feels that in my family all are educated... in his family only he and his siblings are educated...
Doctor :  
So there is a combination of personility prob & inferiority complex
Doctor :  
Ok
User :   he has told me that he dint have friends..his friends have cheated him after using his talent
Doctor :  
How much do you love him after all that has happened
User :   ya
Doctor :  
Have you stayed away fom him any duration?
User :   i love him still.. i do not want to leave him... he is really good.. just that he doesnt express and dont know to co operate... but still at some point of time i also would want my hubby close to me.
User :   yes so many times ... in days... in months.. max of 5 months too
Doctor :  
How was his behavior when you returned
User :   he never used to talk to me in the day
User :   in the night he wants that ..
Doctor :  
ok
User :   but he will talking to his mother about the travel, food and other stuff also
User :   will answer to me if i ask something
Doctor :  
& what how does he react when you are not allowing him nowadays
User :   he doesnt say anything
User :   no reaction also.. he doesnt force me also
Doctor :  
DOes he have any habits
Doctor :  
Smoking, alcohol
User :   no smoking.. alcohol also very limited
Doctor :  
He seems to be a gentle man
User :   yes..
Doctor :  
Hope you have tried luring him into sex?
User :   i did .. but i could not succeed... he thinks that i am trying to control him and will not have it till he forgets
Doctor :  
You could let him do some work to get to you, work in the sense that you want- being loved
Doctor :  
How areother peoples comments on him?
User :   physically in the bed he will listen to my words.. he will try to make me happy... but i feel why only that time.. why cant he talk to me.. why only sex
Doctor :  
SO you have been doing the best possible methods, you need to continue
Doctor :  
Catch him aboutthis topic atthe very peak
User :   my family and other ppl dont like his behaviour towards them.. he would not even invite them to his house and talk to them... if we go out to some relative's house, he will his own place to sit quietly / start watching TV
Doctor :  
but again, catch him politely, he should nt kno wats on your mind
User :   he would just say that i love you and nothing... he also says he loves me a lot.. but he shows that nly in the night...
Doctor :  
The max you can do is get the love you need
Doctor :  
I dont think he will be able to change things with others
Doctor :  
Do you ll discuss about the future?
User :   sometimes if i initiate the topic.. but he will not answer very seriously
Doctor :  
About the childs plans, wat he/she will become, grangchildren?
User :   so many times i have seen no response from him only
Doctor :  
Take this topic when he listens to you the most
Doctor :  
Let him realise that it is you who is going to come with him till the end
Doctor :  
Let him know about it daily, jovially
Doctor :  
He could one day accommodate you in his parents place
Doctor :  
Areyou there
User :   ya
User :   but how
User :   i try to involve him in my daily activities... i sometimes ask him to take the child out alone...
User :   he does sometimes and the few times he shows faces and says he has other work
User :   how do i get the child go along with him if he is not ready
Doctor :  
A psychiatrist could give you a better diagnosis & solution for him
User :   after all this sometimes i too get fed up doctor.. why all this is for me
Doctor :  
Do you wish to speak to our psychiatrist?
User :   inspite of helping him and bringing him normal behaviour, he doesnt understand me... it is not in days.. for the past 4 yrs i am trying to be optimistic.. thinking i will get back the life which others have...
Doctor :  
You have been really strong
User :   i sometimes feel that i am prostitue for him... no other involvement is there.. now a days i feel that i too do not intend in involving in his matters
Doctor :  
What does he do as hobby
Doctor :  
Any extracurricular
User :   read news papers
User :   or browse in the net
Doctor :  
Any other forms of enjoyment?
Doctor :  
Movies?
User :   he likes watching stock market
Doctor :  
Exercise?
User :   no.. i have not seen any movie after marriage... not any entertainment...
User :   no exercise too
Doctor :  
How are you ll financially?
User :   kind of ok
Doctor :  
Is he behind a lot of money
User :   he wants money.. but not that desperate...
Doctor :  
Whatabout trips?
Doctor :  
Tours?
User :   ok i will tell you one instance...
Doctor :  
Vacations?
User :   i compelled him to take me to some beach resort for son's b day
Doctor :  
OK
User :   i asked him so many times ... for nearly 4 months.. i dint get response.. then i scolded him atleast he has to behave as a father...
User :   then he planned for a tour to a beach resort.. and he asked me if we can take his parents along with him...
User :   i could not say anything.. how is that a guy who is in his 30's planning to with his parents, wife and son
User :   to a beach resort
User :   if he cant realise this small stuff also.. what is the use of telling him that we wil take his parents somewhere else some other time
Doctor :  
I get it , he is very sticky to his parents
Doctor :  
Did that trip happen?
User :   after few days ... i spoke to him calmly saying... it is a beach resort and how will they and myself feel
User :   he says he is thinking practical...
Doctor :  
The culprit here I think is his parents
User :   i am not sure whether i have to laugh at him or show pity on him...
Doctor :  
Hope they refused?
User :   ya
User :   ya
Doctor :  
Ya they refused or ya they arethe culprits?
User :   they refused.., but i think they refused as they do not want to come with me
User :   his parents treat him still as a child
User :   his mom will feed him even now.. in front of me also..
Doctor :  
I guess you tried the buttering the in laws technic
User :   i dont make much of fuss on those things
User :   i am not like that ... i made him realise that he has to think his parents are getting older and he has to start doing things on himself... he has to treated as a role model by his son
Doctor :  
You let him kno that you care more than him about his parents
User :   ya.. i dont even go and talk about his parents and what they did to me, to him
Doctor :  
Probably if they had loved you more, then he would av accepted you
User :   but doctor.. i have lost my patience and have sometimes shouted that i should not have married him...
Doctor :  
It is irreversible.
User :   i know it will adverse effect... but after all i am also a normal woman.. now a days i fight with him to express my thoughts... i feel only then he listens
Doctor :  
Keep your calm for your childs sake
User :   my child literally doesnt like him
Doctor :  
Realy?
User :   he says that... he is 3 yrs now..
Doctor :  
How is he in a quarel?
User :   my son doesnt like spending time with his father at all... given a chance he would rather go to my in-laws then sitting next to my husband
Doctor :  
Is he the beater or the beaten, not literally?
User :   he would beat his father with anything... my husband woul not tell anything to him
Doctor :  
You said he listens to you in a fight?
User :   while quarelling my husband will beat me with his words like anything... he would remember the smallest thing also that i have missed 3 yrs before and tell me that i was wrong
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