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Councelling on broken relationship - Online Doctor Chats

Date : 13-Jan-2012
User rating for this question
Very Good Posted in: Mental Health
Answered by

General & Family Physician
Practicing since : 2005
Answered : 2408 Questions
Doctor :   Hi
Doctor :   How can I help you?
User :   my wife since last 25 years is living seperately
Doctor :   Ok
User :   there is one person she says not romantically involved
User :   but helping her spending about 0000 pm on her
Doctor :   Ok
User :   she has quarrelled with about 25-30 people related to us....
Doctor :   Ok
User :   n now shez living separately since 3yrs...
Doctor :   Ok
User :   she has a negative attitude towards people now unlike before as dat man is also of dat type...
User :   dat man is too possessive but very rich yet having multiple problems in his finance
Doctor :   Ok
User :   my wife is not willing for counselling do i get her for counselling?
Doctor :   Ok
User :   does she need a psychaitric treatment for such behaviour? as she does not even talk to my 2 grown up daughters and is irritated by what ever i do...
Doctor :   are you both living separately?
Doctor :   now
User :   she asks me not to call her up and many a times does not answer my several calls
Doctor :   and still have good terms
User :   yes..since 3yrs now
User :   no good terms anymore
Doctor :   What is your and her age
User :   my ag is 49yrs n she is 46yrs old
User :   age*
Doctor :   Does she have good relationships with any of her family members or friends
User :   no...none
Doctor :   So she stays alone does not interact with anyone
User :   no....except for that man
Doctor :   You said that even that man is in financial troubles
User :   yes he lost one case in supreme court for Rs.12 crores with a bank
Doctor :   and still she spends time with him
Doctor :   Do you have talking terms with that man?
User :   yes as he gifts her wit very expensive gifts like sarees worth Rs.15,00 etc
User :   no...i hav tried that but tht man misbehaves
User :   15,000 rupees worth sarees
Doctor :   What is the age of your daughters and where do they stay?
Doctor :   What is their attitude towards their mother
User :   my elder daughter is 24yrs old and now she'l get married by next younger daughter is 18yrs old...they both stay with me and they dont like their mom
User :   but i love her and want her to stay with me
User :   i also feel ashamed about this broken relationship and am even worried about her future as that man is basically a fraud
Doctor :   I understood your nature of problem
Doctor :   and how high you wish to stay in the society
Doctor :   with your grown up daughters
Doctor :   How many times did you try to meet her?
User :   i did not understand your question
Doctor :   How many times did you try to meet her personally?
Doctor :   and with how many calls will she pick one?
User :   she used to visit our place every week 2-3 times and used to go back again as she feels comfortable in that there is no work to do
User :   i had put a condtion on the 31st of december2008 that if this time you go out on 31st with that man like the previous 2 years...we all wont see your face
User :   she chose that man
User :   now we hav not spoken to each other since 31st december2008
Doctor :   Would she wish her marriage and family work
User :   i had called up once in these few days but she did not pick up my call
Doctor :   Does she wish to take care of her daughters
Doctor :   future
User :   not really
User :   she loves money more than us i feel
User :   money and comfort
Doctor :   Ok then a marriage counselling can help her
Doctor :   get back to the normal life
User :   but how to get her to the marriage counselling clinic...she is not ready to come...i have already asked her for that
User :   she feels that the marriage counsellor might tell her to stop talking to that man which she is not ready to do
Doctor :   are you presuming it
Doctor :   Overnight her intentions cannot be
User :   no i had asked her
Doctor :   changed
Doctor :   she might need more sitting
Doctor :   with the counsellor
User :   how to go about it
Doctor :   There is something called desensitisation
User :   how do i take her to the counsellor
Doctor :   where the counselling helps her to know the actual truths than the materialistic pleasures
Doctor :   The counselling helps her to gain interest in family, relations
Doctor :   and their important
Doctor :   Taking her to a counsellor though is not an easy taks
Doctor :   task
Doctor :   but it is not impossible too
Doctor :   You got to request her by all means
Doctor :   The first way is to speak to the counsellor first
Doctor :   by yourself
Doctor :   You may need one or two sessions
User :   yes thats true...i will do it soon
Doctor :   before you take your wife
Doctor :   The counsellor will get answers to three questions
Doctor :   basically with your history
User :   but the daughters are not ready to accept her now...
User :   I want it to work i dont know about her
Doctor :   then the counsellor will finally tell his way of approach
User :   i think it will work if that man does not interfere
User :   which i am sure he will
Doctor :   ok
Doctor :   Mean time do not say to your wife
User :   elder daughter will get married next year so i am afraid of social humiliation
Doctor :   that your daughters are not willing to accept her
Doctor :   That will be blunder
User :   daughters are not ready to show love for her
Doctor :   Start off with accepting that you cannot change your partner's behavior. You can on the other hand choose how you respond to that behavior. Like still loving her, expressing gratitude even to the slightest things she does
Doctor :   Like accepting your phone call
Doctor :   Do not say about the daughters unacceptance
Doctor :   to her
Doctor :   that will not able to help you
User :   ok
Doctor :   Start saying the memories
Doctor :   of yiour marriage
Doctor :   how you had the beautiful moments
Doctor :   treasured
User :   when daughters call her up...she picks up their calls but not daughters dont call
Doctor :   try to smile and express gratitude
Doctor :   for the good things in your marriage
Doctor :   You should act the way you want to feel.
Doctor :   One of the strangest aspects of human psychology is that the more you act the way you want to feel.
User :   she always remembers the bad things in the past with me like a poor dinner or my miserly behaviour or even my driving she feels is bad
Doctor :   Give credit to the wonders happened in your married life only to her
Doctor :   and mean time you fix up an appointment with the marriage counsellor
Doctor :   and meet him
User :   ok
Doctor :   He will give you some tips too
Doctor :   how to get to her, how to talk to her
User :   and she always complains that i always said to her..."this is nothing great you is your duty to do it"
Doctor :   and what ways you can get her to the counselling
Doctor :   Do not bother about them
Doctor :   Remember you still love her
User :   yes
Doctor :   so accept the blames
Doctor :   till the things get dusted out
Doctor :   and settle
Doctor :   be thankful, peaceful
Doctor :   and affectinate
User :   we go at least 2-3 times in a year to 5 star hotels for dinner but yet she says..."what hav you done for me...NOTHING!"
Doctor :   I know this is difficult
Doctor :   on your side
User :   ok
Doctor :   But you allot a time
Doctor :   for yourself
User :   ok
Doctor :   Do meditation and be destressed
User :   yes i do meditate everyday
Doctor :   Try to be calm
Doctor :   engage yourself in sport
Doctor :   and deviate your thoughts
Doctor :   so that you dont get yourself low
Doctor :   I hope you will get throughs this kind of ebb's time
Doctor :   I sincerely wish to
Doctor :   Ok?
Doctor :   Is there anything else I can help you with?
Doctor :   Please fill the feedback form say done when done.
Doctor :   are you there
Doctor :   Hello
Doctor :   I have to close this window since there is no response from your side, please get back to us if you need further medical advice.
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